I was asked, “What duty does a man have to his parents after he’s married? How can he honor his parents without neglecting his wife?”
I’ve been thinking a lot about this question, both in relationship to my now elderly parents, and to my children, eight of whom are now adults.
Here’s my first stab at an answer:
A son can honor his parents after marriage in many ways, but always within the proper order of priorities—his wife and children come first. That being said, here are some ways he can uphold the Fourth Commandment while maintaining his primary duty to his own household:
Regular visits and communication show that he values and respects them, even though he no longer lives under their authority. This doesn’t mean daily check-ins like a teenager giving an account of his whereabouts, but it does mean he doesn’t vanish like a hermit the moment he gets married. Calling to check on them, visiting on Sundays or feast days, and ensuring they feel included in family life (within reason) helps maintain a strong relationship.
Praying for them is one of the highest forms of honor. A son should offer Mass intentions for them, pray the Rosary for their well-being, and, if they are struggling in faith or suffering in any way, he should offer sacrifices for their spiritual and physical needs. Honor is not just about external gestures but about willing their ultimate good.
Providing for them in their old age is both a duty and a privilege. If his parents fall into financial hardship or physical incapacity, a good son does not leave them to the mercy of the state. While he cannot neglect his own family’s well-being, he should do what he can to ensure his parents are cared for. This might mean direct financial support, helping with practical needs, or, if necessary, bringing them into his home if it does not cause undue harm to his marriage.
Defending their reputation is another key aspect of honoring them. A man does not air his parents’ faults publicly, even if they were difficult or imperfect. He speaks of them with respect, corrects falsehoods about them, and ensures that his children understand their grandparents’ dignity, even if their relationship is complicated.
Seeking their wisdom, when appropriate, shows respect for their experience while maintaining the independence of his own household. He is not bound to obey them as he was in childhood, but listening to their advice—especially in matters where they have experience—demonstrates humility. At the same time, he is free to politely disregard their input if it conflicts with his duty as a husband and father.
Maintaining family traditions can be a meaningful way to honor them, as long as it doesn’t disrupt his own household. If his parents had strong Catholic traditions, such as particular devotions, liturgical practices, or cultural customs, incorporating these into his family life can be a way of showing gratitude for the formation they gave him. However, if certain customs or expectations interfere with his own family’s peace, he must not feel guilty about modifying or setting them aside.
Ultimately, honoring parents after marriage means treating them with love, respect, and care—without allowing them to take precedence over his vocation as a husband and father. A man who properly orders these responsibilities is not only fulfilling his duty to his parents but also setting an example of virtue for his own children, who will one day face the same obligations toward him.
What do you think?