Author: Jeff Cassman

The Pirate of the Cumberland

Posted on by Jeff Cassman

It was a fine July morning on OHL—humid, sunlit, and vibrating with reckless optimism.

Mark rolled into the Cherokee marina parking lot like a man with a plan and zero understanding of physics. He emerged from his 2003 Suburban (which he had christened The Kraken) wearing aviator sunglasses, board shorts, and an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt that screamed divorced magician energy. Draped over his shoulder was a pool noodle he referred to as his “first mate.”

He strolled up to the rental kiosk with the swagger of a man who thought liability waivers were merely suggestions.

“I be the Pirate of the Cumberland,” he announced to the teenager behind the counter. “And I’ll be taking Pontoon 14 off yer hands.”

The teenager blinked once, then twice, unsure if this was cosplay or a mental health emergency.

“Uh… okay. Ten people max. No towing. No excessive noise. And absolutely no renaming the vessel—company policy.”

Mark slapped down his ID and a laminated certificate titled Official Renaming Ceremony for S.S. Wet Dreams.

“She sails under new colors, lad.”

By noon, the pontoon was a floating estrogen bomb. Thirteen bridesmaids—yes, thirteen, not counting Mark—wearing matching neon-pink swimsuits emblazoned with “Bride’s Babes” had boarded the now-rebranded S.S. Wet Dreams. They came armed with Bluetooth speakers, vodka in Capri Sun bags, seven coolers, a charcuterie board shaped like a penis, a fog machine (for reasons), and at least one vape pen that doubled as a highlighter.

Mark was the only man onboard, … Read the rest

Liberty, Propane, and the Wrath of God

Posted on by Jeff Cassman

Fourth of July weekend on OHL was supposed to be a chill time.
I imagined grilled hot dogs. Maybe a little sunburn. A firework or two.

Instead, I got a full-blown, storm-soaked, gospel-tract-slinging showdown between God’s judgment and my houseboat… which, by the way, exploded.

But let’s back up.

We were hosting the wife’s family for the holiday. That’s right: the in-laws. Not just any in-laws—Independent Fundamentalist Baptists from Portland, the kind who believe drums are demonic, laughter is a slippery slope to dancing, and anyone who’s ever seen a PG-13 movie is probably already halfway to hell.

They don’t drink. They don’t swim. They don’t play cards.
They refer to “The Star-Spangled Banner” as a little too jazzy.

So naturally, I did what any reasonable son-in-law would do:
I packed a flask of good bourbon and kept it in my back pocket.
It wasn’t a full rebellion. Just a quiet act of survival.

We set sail Friday morning from Hvily aboard The Liberty Tub, a 40-foot houseboat with soft floors, a questionable propane system, and a broken speaker that only plays Alan Jackson (which, to me, is a feature).

The crew:

  • Brother Carl, my father-in-law, who believes the Beatles triggered the End Times.
  • Aunt Ruth, a severe woman who thinks ranch dressing is too spicy.
  • Uncle Eldon, who calls Sprite “the drink of compromise.”
  • Buttons, our autistic tabby cat, who hates thunder and the color orange.
  • Marvin, our blind dog, who navigates via smell and barks at shadows,
… Read the rest

Covenant theology vs dispensationalism

Posted on by Jeff Cassman

A reader asked:

Never heard of this before until recently. Covenant theology vs dispensationalism. What is the meaning of each and what is the Catholic stance on these ideas?

Covenant Theology and Dispensationalism are two rival Protestant systems for understanding salvation history. Both attempt to explain how God relates to humanity over time, but they couldn’t be more different—and both miss the Catholic mark entirely.

Covenant Theology (Reformed/Calvinist): This system says God relates to humanity through a few overarching covenants—like the Covenant of Works (with Adam) and the Covenant of Grace (post-Fall, culminating in Christ). It heavily spiritualizes the Old Testament and sees the Church as the “new Israel.” It tries to flatten the Bible into a tidy Calvinist blueprint.

Dispensationalism (Evangelical/Fundamentalist): Think of it as the Scofield Bible with charts. It chops history into “dispensations” or eras where God tests man in different ways. Most notably, it insists on a sharp divide between Israel and the Church—Israel gets earthly promises, the Church gets heavenly ones. This leads to wild eschatology: secret raptures, 7-year tribulations, rebuilt temples, red heifers, and a theology that reads more like Left Behind fan fiction than the Gospel.

Catholic stance? Rejected both. The Church doesn’t reduce salvation history to rigid systems cooked up in the 16th or 19th centuries. Catholic theology sees continuity between the Old and New Covenants, fulfilled in Christ and His Church. The New Covenant isn’t a backup plan or a spiritualized version of Judaism—it’s the fulfillment of what was foreshadowed.… Read the rest

Living Will for Catholics

Posted on by Jeff Cassman

This living will has been composed with Catholic moral teaching in mind.  There is a printable version here.  Check with your attorney for additional considerations based on your jurisdiction and circumstances.

As a faithful Catholic, I believe in the sanctity and dignity of every human life, created in the image and likeness of God. Life is a gift to be reverenced and preserved with care, not ended prematurely by omission or commission. This document is a declaration of my desire to uphold those teachings—even in times of serious illness or incapacity—entrusting my life and death to God’s providence.

I. Declaration

If I become incapacitated and unable to make my own medical decisions, I make this directive to guide my loved ones and medical providers. I ask that all decisions regarding my health care be made in accordance with the moral teachings of the Roman Catholic Church.

II. Core Principles

  1. Sanctity of Life
    My life is a sacred gift and should not be intentionally ended through euthanasia or assisted suicide, which I reject as gravely immoral.

  2. Proportionate vs. Disproportionate Means
    I do not wish to receive treatments that are excessively burdensome, experimental, or without hope of benefit. These may be morally declined in accordance with Church teaching.

  3. Obligation to Provide Nutrition and Hydration
    I insist that I be provided ordinary means of care, including food and water (even if by artificial means), unless they no longer achieve their purpose or become excessively burdensome with no benefit.

  4. Pain Relief

… Read the rest

Prayer for a Father to Repel Storms and Protect His Home and Family

Posted on by Jeff Cassman
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.
O Lord God of Hosts, Creator of Heaven and Earth, who set the boundaries of the sea and command the winds and the waves, I come before Thee as the head of this household, entrusted with the care of my family and the protection of our home. In humility and trust, I beg Thee, stretch forth Thy mighty hand against the storm that threatens us. Let not the tempests of the air or the powers of darkness bring harm to those whom Thou hast given me to protect.
O Christ, King of all Creation, who rebuked the storm upon the sea and brought peace to the fearful hearts of Thy disciples, command now, I pray Thee, that these winds be stilled, that this storm be turned aside, that destruction pass us by. Send Thy holy angels to stand guard over this house, to drive away all dangers, and to keep us in safety beneath the mantle of Thy Sacred Heart.
(The father now takes holy water and sprinkles it around the home, saying:)
In the Name of Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, I bless and protect this home with this holy water, a sign of God’s power over the elements. May all storms and dangers flee before the Cross of Christ. May this dwelling be marked as a place of faith, of refuge, and of peace. By the intercession of the Blessed Virgin
… Read the rest